to my previous post;
Day 108. I Don't Give a Fuck
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the statement/back-chat ”I don’t give a fuck” and would thus say this to myself in the mind and to others in my external environment/world when and as I am faced with a point/situation in where I can see that fear/anxiety/worry starts to arise, ever so slightly – but will instead immediately suppress and hide the fear/anxiety/worry through going into/taking on the ”I do not give a fuck-character” as a deliberate manipulation tactic so that I do not have to admit to myself that I am faced with a point in where I still experience fear/anxiety/worry/internal reactions – but will mask these reactions because of a belief and idea that “I should not care about this point”, “I should not allow fear to exist within me in relation to this point”, “I have worked with this point before so thus I should stand clear”, and because of these “I should´s” I go into fear of being seen/seeing myself as weak/sensitive/as a failure/not in control if I confess that I experience reactions in relation to the situation/point that I am facing and because of this fear of being seen/seeing myself as “weak” I will take on/go into the “I do not give a fuck-character”, to within this try to make myself and others believe that I really don’t care, that I am stable, that I am clear on the point – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am actually suppressing and hiding the reactions through taking on the “I do not give a fuck-character” and that I have used this character throughout my entire life when/if I am faced with a point in where I believe I should be able to stand stable within, and thus instead of actually looking at the internal reactions/back-chats through admitting and confessing that I do react to the point, that I do care, and within this actually sorting out my internal reality, I try to suppress it through believing in the “I do not give a fuck-character”.
- I see, realize and understand that through saying to myself and others that “I do not give a fuck” is a BIG flag-point in where I see that this is actually just a defense-mechanism in where what I really am saying is “I do not want to look at it”, “I do not want to confess that I am reacting”, “I don’t want to admit to myself that I have points that I need to sort out in relation to this and that”, “I do not want to see myself as weak/sensitive”, “I do not want others to see me as sensitive/weak” and within that I realize that as long as I suppress/hide the anxieties/fears behind the “I do not give a fuck-character” I am actually not sorting out the reactions/points that needs to be sorted but am merely covering/suppressing/hiding them through taking on the character.
- When and as I see that I am faced with a point/situation in where I see that internal reactions arise ever so slightly and within that am taking on/going into the “I do not give a fuck-character” – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue suppress/hide what I experience internally through taking on/going into the “I do not give a fuck-character” – but instead I see and realize that when and as I take on the character I am actually creating a weak-point within myself in where the mind is still in charge because as long as I am not completely self-honest with all and everything that exist within me and through this expose what I experience within I am still making myself inferior to the mind in where I do not sort out the points/reactions but am merely just suppressing/hiding them deep inside.
- I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to use the “I do not give a fuck-character” as a deliberate manipulation-tactic to not having to see myself as weak/sensitive and as a way to try and make others seeing me as strong/stable - but instead I stop and I breathe, within this looking at what reactions came up that I tried to suppress/hide behind a character and through looking at that within self-honesty I can take out the reactions and actually stop them through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application – to within this not accept or allow myself to try and take short-cuts through suppressing/hiding the fears/anxieties/worries/back-chats but instead see and realize that it will just come back and bite me in the ass as a time-loop (stupidity-loop) so thus I furthermore commit myself to use the “I do not give a fuck-statement” as a flag-point in where I realize that there is more behind this that I need to sort out within self-honesty.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the “I do not give a fuck-character” and within this would thus think and believe that the “I do not give a fuck-statement” is me as who I am, that it is real - within this creating a relationship to the experience I get when and as I step into the “I do not give a fuck-character” because within this character nothing can hurt me – because I do (apparently) not give a fuck – nothing can touch me – nothing can affect me – I am cold as ice – I am a cold hard bitch.
- I now see, realize and understand that I created this character as a child when and as I saw/realized that I was extremely sensitive to my external environment/other beings reactions and thus when a being in my closest environment would get mad at me/show anger/blame me for something I would immediately go into extensive fear and anxiety and within that taking the other persons reaction extremely personally in where I defined myself according to the other beings reactions in where I would blame myself – and that I within this saw that when and as I am showing my sensitivity to the being I would get punished and the being would express his disappointment at me for showing weakness/sadness/fear/anxiety – so thus I would learn to make an act, take on a role, play the “I do not give a fuck-character” – so that I could protect/defend myself from getting hurt from the being in that I saw would get violent when and as I allowed myself to show myself as “weak”/sensitive in relation to admitting/showing what I experienced internally – and from there on I kept the “I do not give a fuck-character” close by so that I, whenever I experienced it as if I was being “threaten”, either by people in my external world who would ask me how I experienced myself or if they would react in any kind of way to me/my actions - or by myself in where I see that I would blame and get disappointed at myself for experiencing reactions within – I would instead instantly take on/go into the “I do not give a fuck-character” so that I could protect myself from getting hurt ever again, either by others or by myself, seeing myself as weak – because within this I have accepted and allowed myself to define weakness as “showing internal experiences to oneself and others” and would link/connect that to what I experienced as a child in where I would get punished when/as I would cry/show fear/anxiety.
- I now see, realize and understand that I do not need this character anymore, that the character does not “protect” me anymore, that the character is completely unnecessary because whatever comes up now I am capable of dealing with it. Within this I now know that I do not accept or allow anymore bullshit/abuse from others – so thus I commit myself to let go of the character, bring myself back to here and realize that whatever comes up in my external and internal world/reality is not something I have to protect myself from because I am here, stable, breathing, walking through whatever comes up with self-dignity and integrity.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/take on the “I do not give a fuck-character” whenever a person in my external environment/world would do/say something that I would react to in worry/jealousy/anxiety/fear/disappointment/anger in where I would experience it as if the being wouldn’t take me into consideration/care about me – and within this would thus, instead of communicating what I experienced within/admit to myself that a reaction aroused, act/behave as if I didn’t care, as if I didn’t give a fuck about what the other being said or their behavior – within this trying to protect/defend myself through acting as if I am independent and do not get touched/affected by how others act/what they say to me. I now see, realize and understand that every time I take on/go into the “I do not give a fuck-character” I am suppressing myself, and that I have done this for an extended period of time which implies that I have a lot of anger/worry/jealousy/anxiety/fear/disappointment suppressed within me that I, within this, commit myself to write out, do self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications on – so that I once and for all can free myself from my internal experiences and thus realize that I do not need this character anymore – that the character is actually preventing me from expansion and growth.
- Furthermore I commit myself to, when and as reactions comes up within me in relation to another beings behavior/something they said – to admit to myself what aroused and within this sort it out through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-corrective application and COMMUNICATION – to within this not accept or allow myself to suppress/hide myself behind the “I do not give a fuck-character” anymore.