Day 109. No One Can Hurt Me - I Don't Give a Fuck!

This is a continuation 
to my previous post;
Day 108. I Don't Give a Fuck

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the statement/back-chat ”I don’t give a fuck” and would thus say this to myself in the mind and to others in my external environment/world when and as I am faced with a point/situation in where I can see that fear/anxiety/worry starts to arise, ever so slightly – but will instead immediately suppress and hide the fear/anxiety/worry through going into/taking on the ”I do not give a fuck-character” as a deliberate manipulation tactic so that I do not have to admit to myself that I am faced with a point in where I still experience fear/anxiety/worry/internal reactions – but will mask these reactions because of a belief and idea that “I should not care about this point”, “I should not allow fear to exist within me in relation to this point”, “I have worked with this point before so thus I should stand clear”, and because of these “I should´s” I go into fear of being seen/seeing myself as weak/sensitive/as a failure/not in control if I confess that I experience reactions in relation to the situation/point that I am facing and because of this fear of being seen/seeing myself as “weak” I will take on/go into the “I do not give a fuck-character”, to within this try to make myself and others believe that I really don’t care, that I am stable, that I am clear on the point – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I am actually suppressing and hiding the reactions through taking on the “I do not give a fuck-character” and that I have used this character throughout my entire life when/if I am faced with a point in where I believe I should be able to stand stable within, and thus instead of actually looking at the internal reactions/back-chats through admitting and confessing that I do react to the point, that I do care, and within this actually sorting out my internal reality, I try to suppress it through believing in the “I do not give a fuck-character”.

• I see, realize and understand that through saying to myself and others that “I do not give a fuck” is a BIG flag-point in where I see that this is actually just a defense-mechanism in where what I really am saying is “I do not want to look at it”, “I do not want to confess that I am reacting”, “I don’t want to admit to myself that I have points that I need to sort out in relation to this and that”, “I do not want to see myself as weak/sensitive”, “I do not want others to see me as sensitive/weak” and within that I realize that as long as I suppress/hide the anxieties/fears behind the “I do not give a fuck-character” I am actually not sorting out the reactions/points that needs to be sorted but am merely covering/suppressing/hiding them through taking on the character.

• When and as I see that I am faced with a point/situation in where I see that internal reactions arise ever so slightly and within that am taking on/going into the “I do not give a fuck-character” – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue suppress/hide what I experience internally through taking on/going into the “I do not give a fuck-character” – but instead I see and realize that when and as I take on the character I am actually creating a weak-point within myself in where the mind is still in charge because as long as I am not completely self-honest with all and everything that exist within me and through this expose what I experience within I am still making myself inferior to the mind in where I do not sort out the points/reactions but am merely just suppressing/hiding them deep inside.

• I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to use the “I do not give a fuck-character” as a deliberate manipulation-tactic to not having to see myself as weak/sensitive and as a way to try and make others seeing me as strong/stable - but instead I stop and I breathe, within this looking at what reactions came up that I tried to suppress/hide behind a character and through looking at that within self-honesty I can take out the reactions and actually stop them through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application – to within this not accept or allow myself to try and take short-cuts through suppressing/hiding the fears/anxieties/worries/back-chats but instead see and realize that it will just come back and bite me in the ass as a time-loop (stupidity-loop) so thus I furthermore commit myself to use the “I do not give a fuck-statement” as a flag-point in where I realize that there is more behind this that I need to sort out within self-honesty.

 

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the “I do not give a fuck-character” and within this would thus think and believe that the “I do not give a fuck-statement” is me as who I am, that it is real - within this creating a relationship to the experience I get when and as I step into the “I do not give a fuck-character” because within this character nothing can hurt me – because I do (apparently) not give a fuck – nothing can touch me – nothing can affect me – I am cold as ice – I am a cold hard bitch.

• I now see, realize and understand that I created this character as a child when and as I saw/realized that I was extremely sensitive to my external environment/other beings reactions and thus when a being in my closest environment would get mad at me/show anger/blame me for something I would immediately go into extensive fear and anxiety and within that taking the other persons reaction extremely personally in where I defined myself according to the other beings reactions in where I would blame myself – and that I within this saw that when and as I am showing my sensitivity to the being I would get punished and the being would express his disappointment at me for showing weakness/sadness/fear/anxiety – so thus I would learn to make an act, take on a role, play the “I do not give a fuck-character” – so that I could protect/defend myself from getting hurt from the being in that I saw would get violent when and as I allowed myself to show myself as “weak”/sensitive in relation to admitting/showing what I experienced internally – and from there on I kept the “I do not give a fuck-character” close by so that I, whenever I experienced it as if I was being “threaten”, either by people in my external world who would ask me how I experienced myself or if they would react in any kind of way to me/my actions  - or by myself in where I see that I would blame and get disappointed at myself for experiencing reactions within – I would instead instantly take on/go into the “I do not give a fuck-character” so that I could protect myself from getting hurt ever again, either by others or by myself, seeing myself as weak – because within this I have accepted and allowed myself to define weakness as “showing internal experiences to oneself and others” and would link/connect that to what I experienced as a child in where I would get punished when/as I would cry/show fear/anxiety.

• I now see, realize and understand that I do not need this character anymore, that the character does not “protect” me anymore, that the character is completely unnecessary because whatever comes up now I am capable of dealing with it. Within this I now know that I do not accept or allow anymore bullshit/abuse from others – so thus I commit myself to let go of the character, bring myself back to here and realize that whatever comes up in my external and internal world/reality is not something I have to protect myself from because I am here, stable, breathing, walking through whatever comes up with self-dignity and integrity.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use/take on the “I do not give a fuck-character” whenever a person in my external environment/world would do/say something that I would react to in worry/jealousy/anxiety/fear/disappointment/anger in where I would experience it as if the being wouldn’t take me into consideration/care about me – and within this would thus, instead of communicating what I experienced within/admit to myself that a reaction aroused, act/behave as if I didn’t care, as if I didn’t give a fuck about what the other being said or their behavior – within this trying to protect/defend myself through acting as if I am independent and do not get touched/affected by how others act/what they say to me. I now see, realize and understand that every time I take on/go into the “I do not give a fuck-character” I am suppressing myself, and that I have done this for an extended period of time which implies that I have a lot of anger/worry/jealousy/anxiety/fear/disappointment suppressed within me that I, within this, commit myself to write out, do self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective applications on – so that I once and for all can free myself from my internal experiences and thus realize that I do not need this character anymore – that the character is actually preventing me from expansion and growth.

• Furthermore I commit myself to, when and as reactions comes up within me in relation to another beings behavior/something they said – to admit to myself what aroused and within this sort it out through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-corrective application and COMMUNICATION – to within this not accept or allow myself to suppress/hide myself behind the “I do not give a fuck-character” anymore.

 

Day 108. I Don't Give a Fuck

art by Michael Mararian 
- http://www.michaelmararian.com/

Within this blog-post and posts to come I will walk the “I do not give a fuck-character” that is a character, an act, a role that I take on and have been using throughout my life as a way to “protect” myself, thinking that I am “protected” when and as I take on the character – I disguise myself and my internal experiences through and with this character. Because when and as I am in this character nothing affects me, I don’t care, nothing can touch me, nothing will influence me (so I believe).

Within this character I use the statement “I don’t care” and “whatever” as a defense-mechanism, in where I think and believe that I am the one who is in control, in situations where I see that I am about to go into reactions/experiences but do not want to admit/confess/look at the experiences/reactions and do not want to communicate about what I am actually facing within with other beings.

“You can go and do whatever the fuck you’d like to – I don’t give a fuck” – this is a common statement that I have used a lot when I have interacted with beings who have done/said something that I initially reacted to but would instead express the polarity, pretend as if I didn’t give a fuck – when all the while I did care, I did give a fuck. But within me I believed that if I show that I care than that must mean that I am weak, that I am dependent on other people, that other people can cause reactions within me/influence how I experience myself – which were a point that I had learned to define as being “weak”.

I grew up in an environment in where I early on learned that people are not to trust, and when I allowed myself to put my guard down I would constantly experience it as if I was being let down – so it was just easier to not let anybody come close. I will constantly blame myself if/when I see that I do get influenced by my environment/other beings so thus within this blame I try to suppress/hide the fact that I created reactions and that the trigger-point was another beings words/actions – because within me I believe that I should not ever allow myself to react to what happens in my external environment/world, that this means that others can influence/move/control me – which I have defined as being dangerous. Dangerous from the perspective that if others can influence me then I am not independent but instead vulnerable, then I can get hurt by others - and thus I am not in control. Within this I have realized that I actually hurt myself when and as I do not allow myself to admit/reveal that I do care, that I do get influenced by others. And when I do not allow myself to admit that I react/get influenced by beings in my external environment, to what they do and say, then I will instead live in constant self-blame and self-hate because I know that in secret I do react, I do get influenced and because of this I believe that I should suffer, that I must punish myself – because I have done something bad, I have become touched by other peoples actions/words.

I will mostly use this character when and as I am interacting with my external world/environment and other people. If beings in my environment say/do something that I initially react to I will immediately try to suppress/hide the reactions/experiences through, when and as the experiences starts to arise ever so slightly, immediately go into the character in where I repeatedly say to myself in the mind “I don’t give a fuck, I don’t care, whatever” and so on. To within this not having to reveal to others what I actually experience and within this am also convincing myself that I am fine. I fear that other people will hurt me, will disappoint me, will cheat me, will judge me, will disapprove of who I am - so thus I never give other beings the chance to come close to me/get to know me  through me expressing myself in self-honesty in where I share what I internally am experiencing. I blame myself constantly for what I experience within, if another being do/say something that I react to I will immediately go into self-blame and self-anger because I believe that I am not supposed to react, I am not supposed to get influenced/moved/affected.

 

For instance if a being have done/said something and then ask me how I experience myself in relation to what the being said/did I will almost always take on the “I don’t give a fuck-character” to within this try and manipulate myself and others into thinking and believing that what others do/say does never affect/touch me – because I am so independent, strong and stable. Lol. “I’m in control – you’re actions, words and decisions can’t influence me”.

If I would to admit/reveal that I reacted then that would apparently mean that I am weak and within this I fear being in the way, taking up space – which I believe that I do through saying that I reacted, within this thinking and believing that I am a pain in the ass – that if I admit that I reacted in any kind of way then that would mean/imply that I am asking others to change, which I do not believe they should have to – because I should be able to stand stable no matter how other people act/behave/interact with/towards me. So within this I would never let anybody interfere– I fear putting my guard down and show beings what I am experiencing, I fear that they will judge me for what I am going through and I fear that through me admitting/confessing what I experience they will think and believe that I want them to change/mold themselves – when all the while I know that I am responsible for my own experiences, that I create my experiences and thus nobody else should have to adjust according to what I am facing internally.

In this character I will think “what’s the point in revealing what I experience – when it is my experiences, my reactions?” and “there is no point in admitting what I experience within to others because this is my creation, my fuckup, I am the one who has to deal with it”. To within this manipulate myself into thinking and believing that there is no use in sharing myself because nobody else is responsible for my internal reality – but within that I am not dealing with my reactions/experiences either but am merely pushing them aside through and with the use of the “I don’t give a fuck-character”.

Day 107. I Don't Trust Food

by Michael Mararian
- http://www.michaelmararian.com/


 

This is a continuation to my previous post; 

Day 106. I'm in Control! I Don't Have a Problem..!

and; Day 104. My Secret Obsession

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to trust my human physical body but would instead accept and allow myself to search for and trust external knowledge and information in relation to what is healthy/unhealthy and would thus within this form an obsession around the knowledge and information to such an extent that I eventually trusted the label on the back of the food-items more than my own physical body and it’s response to the food that I would consume. I now see, realize and understand that anything external/separate from me is not trustworthy if it is not cross-referenced with my human physical body and within this I see the silliness in thinking and believing that information/knowledge that is separate from me is more reliable than my own human physical body, and that the labels, as the ingredient-lists/nutritional facts, does not say anything about whether or not it is good for my body or not. When and as I see that I am trusting knowledge/information/food-labels more than my human physical body – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue trusting external information/knowledge more than my own human physical body but instead I see, realize and understand that only my body can tell me what it get supported by. Thus I commit myself to stop trusting information/knowledge that is separate from me unconditional and instead I see and realize that my own physical body’s response is the only thing I should adjust/live according to. Within this I commit myself to adjust my food-intake so that I support my body through finding out what nourishes my body and not the mind as the obsession.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t eat something without first finding out what it contains in relation to calorie/protein/carbohydrate/fat-content and within this not seeing or realizing that it is a physical action – that the “I can’t” does only exist within the mind as a belief/idea/fear and that I created this belief/idea/fear through constantly acting according to it instead of realizing the ridiculousness in what I am doing and instead direct myself to eat and then see how my physical respond. When and as I see the thought “I can’t eat this without first checking the calorie/protein/carbohydrate/fat-content” comes up – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to follow/act according to the thought but instead I see and realize that this is based on beliefs/ideas/fears – it is not me as who I am. Thus within this I commit myself to stop the thought and instead move myself to physically eat, without first going into the obsession, and within this checking my physicals response to what I have eaten, within this learning what my body gets nourished/supported by and what it does not get nourished/supported by.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to divide foods into different categories such as “safe foods” and “unsafe foods” dependent on the knowledge and information I have collected in relation to calorie-content and within this would thus accept and allow myself to feel good when I have eaten from the “safe-foods-category” and feel bad when I have eaten from the “unsafe-foods-category” – within this accepting and allowing myself to believe in the knowledge and information and believe that I must feel bad if I have eaten something that I have defined as “bad” – when all the while I accepted and allowed myself to create the definition and thus the experience. When and as I see that I am going into an experience within the mind dependent on the category of foods I am consuming and within this either experience myself as good or bad – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue fueling the experience through believing that there is such a thing as good/bad, safe/unsafe foods but instead I see, realize and understand that I created the categories within the mind – it is not physically real. Within this I commit myself to stop and breathe myself out of the experience I create dependent on what category I am eating from and within this instead focus on the physical in where I see how my physical body is responding to what I am eating – to within this assess whether or not the food is supportive or not. Within this I furthermore commit myself to no longer refer foods to safe/unsafe foods but instead stop myself when I see that I am going into my mind, wanting to define the foods that I am eating, and instead I bring myself back to here in where I realize that it is all just food – just fuel to support my body and give it what it requires to sustain.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so obsessed that I experience it as if I can’t buy a food-item without checking the label first – and within this would accept and embrace this point through constantly acting according to the obsession – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that it is an obsession, it is a compulsion, and I do not have to accept or allow it to move me – that I can stop this through realizing that the behavior does not support me but am merely keeping me enslaved to the mind and the obsession. I now see, realize and understand that this obsession does not support me as life but that I am perpetuating my enslavement more and more every time I act according to the compulsion within the mind. When and as I see that I am about to check the label on a food-item because of an experience of “having to” before I buy a food-item- I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue charging the obsession/compulsion through acting according to the thought “I have to check” but instead I commit myself to breathe myself out of this possession and instead move myself to actually find out what supports/nourishes my body through trying out the food, checking the physical response, and through that make an assessment whether or not the food is something that I am going to continue eating or not.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when and as I act according to the obsession/compulsion of having to check the ingredient-list on the back of the label of food-items I am actually charging and perpetuating the anorexia – I now see, realize and understand that I am allowing a “weak point” to exist within me when and as I allow this obsession to control/move me and that I within this weak point allow the mind to have an opportunity in where it can manipulate. Within this I do not accept or allow myself to continue perpetuating the anorexia through still allowing “weak points” to exist within me but instead I see and realize that I am fucking with myself when and as I allow these points to still exist and control me. Within this I commit myself to take self-responsibility for my own creation through making a practical application to no longer accept or allow myself to act according to the obsession, and not accept or allow the compulsion to move me – till here no further! I here and now make a stance to no longer accept or allow any manipulation within me in regards to this point but instead I take full self-responsibility in where I simply stop the physical action of obsessively checking the food label – and furthermore I commit myself to always, with no exceptions, eat and cross-reference with my body – not accept or allow the knowledge and information to move/direct me and what I eat/do not eat. 

 

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Re-Defining The Word Physical Support;

-Nourishing the physical through cross-referencing with the human physical body in self-awareness, within this making sure that I do not act according to knowledge and information in relation to what is good/bad for the body in regards to what to eat/what not to eat but to instead within this re-learn what nourishes my body through trying out the foods that are available in my reality and within this learning what actually support the physical through checking my body’s response.

-Not allowing any obsession/compulsion in relation to what to eat/what not to eat – but to instead, within this, realize that as long as the mind interfere within what I give/do not give my physical I am actually not supporting the physical as the body supports me.

-Standing equal to and one with my human physical body and within this never act according to the mind in relation to what to eat/what not to eat - but to instead make sure that what I eat/what I do not eat is cross-referenced with my physical to within this act according to my physical response and not according to knowledge and information in the mind that I have incorporated from external sources.

-Acting according to my physical response that I have come to understanding about through physical cross-referencing and not act according to external knowledge and information that I have created/formed beliefs/ideas/opinions/judgments about – but to within this instead really get to know my physical through standing one and equal to my body, as my body, and within this nourish/support the body as it supports me unconditional.

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Day 106. I'm in Control! I Don't Have a Problem..!

This is a continuation to my previous post;

Day 105. Healthy Obsession

and; Day 104. My Secret Obsession

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the experience of control that I am manifesting when and as I allow myself to follow my obsession in relation to checking the labels on the food-items that I consider eating – and within this would thus perpetuate my obsession through thinking and believing that the experience of control I get from doing this over and over again is real – within this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am actually being controlled and directed by the obsession – I am not in control at all, the mind is controlling me. So thus within this I realize that I fear losing an illusion – an experience, that I myself created within my mind as a deliberate manipulation for me to not having to see the reality of this obsession and the fact that I am allowing a compulsion to control me. When and as I see that I am going into fear of loss in regards to stopping my compulsion in relation to checking food-labels – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue fearing losing an experience that I myself created within the mind but instead I see, realize and understand that I am actually accepting and allowing myself to limit myself through continue allowing this compulsion/obsession to exist, move and direct me – instead of me standing up and directing myself within self-awareness in every moment of breath. I commit myself to stop the fear of “losing” the experience of control I get/create when and as I check the labels of food-items through seeing and realizing that the “control” I experience is just a cover-up for me to not see or realize that it is a limitation because it is an obsession. Furthermore I commit myself to not accept or allow the fear of loss to prevent me from stopping the obsession/compulsion but instead I stop defining myself according to the obsession and instead take self-responsibility through moving myself within self-awareness in where I do not accept or allow the experience of “losing control” to prevent me from stopping the compulsion.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if and when I check the label of a food-item this can make me take control over my physical bodies development in relation to whether or not I gain weight, because within this I will adjust my food-intake in relation to only eating the foods that has a label that says that it contains a small amount of calories – within this not seeing, realizing and understanding that I cannot control this point – that I am not the one who “decides” whether or not I will gain weight, that it is up to my physical body – because within this I have seen and realized that I have manifested the consequence of gaining weight through going into the opposite polarity when and as I decided to  starve myself and I realize that I will have to face my own creation, my own consequence of this – no matter where that leads me, and that checking the labels of the food-items will not make a difference what so ever. When and as I see that I am going into my mind, thinking that I must check the label of the food-item to make sure that I do not consume anything with a large quantity of calories because of a belief and idea that this will make me gain weight – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue thinking and believing that I can control this point through checking all the labels of the food-items but instead I see and realize that I must be able to stand here, stable, no matter whether or not I gain/lose weight. I commit myself to stop trying to control and manipulate this point through obsessively/compulsively checking all the food-labels and furthermore I commit myself to instead make sure, through consistent application, that I always remain here, stable, breathing, expressing, living – no matter whether or not I am/perceive myself to be fat/skinny/ugly/beautiful, and no matter if I have an amputated leg/have a fat scar in my face etc. - I will make sure, through consistent/constant application – that I am here, stable, no matter my appearance/how I perceive my appearance. And to within this make sure that I bring myself back to life in where I focus on what is really here, what really matters through not accepting or allowing myself to preoccupy myself with nonsense such as my external appearance.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend my time on the internet making research on food and what is healthy/unhealthy and within this created an obsession in where I experienced it as if I could not eat a certain food without first making sure that I collect knowledge/information about the food in relation to whether or not it is healthy. Within this I now see, realize and understand that the time I spent making research and collecting knowledge/information was time in where I was supposed to get to know my physical through learning what my physical gets supported by through cross-referencing what foods my body actually gets nourished by through actually trying out/getting to know my physical – but that I instead would trust knowledge/information more than my physical bodies signals. When and as I see that I am going into the obsession in where I want to find out what a specific food consists of and within this want to make research on the internet – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue feeding this experience/want/need through making research “out there” – but instead I commit myself to make internal research in where I cross-reference with my body, here, through trying out the food and see how my physical respond – to within this not accept or allow myself to limit myself to external knowledge and information but instead develop an understanding in relation to how to nourish my body.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself off from reality and social gatherings/events that I thought might include food because of the obsession I have created in relation to having to know what the foods that I am consuming consists of/contains – and within this would thus stop participating within life and all that it consist of/exist as - all because of the fear of not “being in control” over what I eat/consume. When and as I see that I am following the obsession in relation to “having to know” what the food that I am consuming consists of and because of that want to close myself off from my social life through not participating within events that might include food – I stop and I breathe – I see, realize and understand that I am accessing the obsession and that I am allowing the fear of not being able to control/know what the food might consist of to control and direct me – so within this I do not accept or allow myself to continue feeding the obsession through allowing the fear to prevent me from participating but instead I commit myself to direct and move myself to expand myself through participating and realize that the fear that I am creating in the mind is always worse than what the actual physical participation is. I commit myself to face my fear of being in situations that includes food that I do not know what it contains and within this see and realize that the fear that I have created is actually manipulation for me to live in a limitation instead of expansion/growth – so within this I furthermore commit myself to not accept or allow any limitation anymore but instead go against the limitation and thus show myself what I am actually capable of when I allow myself to push through the fears and resistances and instead move me in this physical reality.

Day 105. Healthy Obsession

This is a continuation to my previous post;

Day 104. My Secret Obsession

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my obsession in relation to checking all the labels as the ingredient-list on all the items before I eat something behind the word “care” in where I have manipulated myself and others to think and believe that I do this just because I “care” about my human physical body – when all the while it wasn’t care at all – it was simply an obsession in where I feared giving up that experience of control and would thus use the word care as a deliberate manipulation-tactic to not having to sort out and actually admit to myself that I am allowing this point to control me, and to admit to myself that it is not caring at all – it is all about fearing eating something that I have defined as “unhealthy” or “unsafe” to eat. Within this I now see, realize and understand that I do not yet care about my physical body – that why I obsessively check the ingredient-list is because I want to control my body’s external appearance and within this would thus check the ingredient-list so that I could make sure that I would not eat/consume anything that I believed would make me fat/gain weight. I do not accept or allow myself to continue hiding my obsession behind the word “care” but instead I commit myself to take self-responsibility for the obsession I have created through writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-corrective application in where I see what I have accepted and allowed to control me and within this bring myself back in self-aware self-direction, to within this not let the mind manipulate me but instead bring my power back to self in where I move myself in every moment of breath.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the label on the food-items can tell me whether the product is good for me and my body or not – and within this would thus access knowledge and information that I have collected through the research I have done in relation to what is healthy/unhealthy – not seeing, realizing or understanding that the external knowledge and information I have collected is not trustworthy if it is not cross-referenced with my body. Within this I would thus form an obsession about my knowledge and information in where I think and believe that the knowledge I have, which I created as beliefs/ideas within the mind, is what I have to/should adjust according to – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only knowledge that is reliable is that which comes from my physical as to what I see is food that my body is working well with/get supported/nourished by. Within this I do not accept or allow myself to continue adjusting and limiting myself according to knowledge/information/beliefs/ideas that I have formed through external information about what is healthy/unhealthy but instead I commit myself to relearn what my body works well with/get the most supported by through only trusting my bodies signals and within this coming to understanding about what is actually foods that is good for my body. Furthermore I commit myself to try foods that I have dismissed before because of the knowledge/information I have collected and within that judged the foods as unhealthy – to within this stop accessing the information/knowledge and instead actually, really, see what signals my body is sending me in relation to if the foods are actually supporting my physical or not.  

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must find out all the facts of what a specific food contains before I can consume it because of a belief and idea that what the food contains can tell me whether or not it is healthy/unhealthy, good/bad for me and my physical body – within this judging some foods as bad and some foods as good dependent on the knowledge and information I have collected throughout the years in where I have done extensive research – but only external research and never actually investigated MY PHYSICAL. Within this I now see, realize and understand that knowledge and information can never tell me whether or not the foods are actually good/supportive for my body or not – only my physical can tell me that. But within this I see and realize that I accepted and allowed myself to form opinions and judgments about food so I realize that I will have to stop adjusting myself according to judgments and opinions and instead relearn what actually supports my physical and not – and the only way to learn that is through actual physical cross-referencing in where I try out the foods that are available within my reality and check how my physical respond. When and as I see that I am accessing knowledge and information in relation to what I think/believe is healthy/unhealthy and within this adjust my practical living accordingly – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue following judgments and opinions in relation to what is healthy/unhealthy but instead I commit myself to try out foods without searching for information/checking the label and within this see if the foods supports my physical or not – and use this as a benchmark for what I decide to consume and not. Within this I furthermore commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to stay away from/refuse to eat what I do not know what it contains because of a belief and idea that I must know before I eat – but instead I realize that I am accessing an obsession within the mind, I move myself to try out the foods, no matter if I know what it contains or not and within this make a physical assessment in where I see if the foods are actually supporting me or not.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stop the obsession I have created in relation to always checking the back of the label on food-items as the ingredient-list and nutritional facts – but within this would instead feed the obsession/compulsion through constantly acting according to my experience of “having to look” and within this it would thus become so automated that I eventually didn’t even think about it, didn’t even consider if it was necessary or not – I would just accept the behavior and never challenge it through seeing that it is a complete mania/compulsion – but would instead follow the desire/want/need of finding out what the food-items contained. Within this I now see, realize and understand that this behavior, this compulsion/obsession does not support me as life at all – that I am being controlled by this one point and that I allow this point to move me instead of me directing myself in every moment. When and as I see that I am about to check the label on the food-items because of an experience of “having to look” – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow this compulsion/mania/obsession to continue directing and controlling me but instead I stand up in moments in where I see that I move my hand to turn the product around so that I can read the ingredients of the food and the calorie-content and instead I simply stop – within this breaking the automatic behavior and within this making sure that I do not accept or allow an obsession to move me – within this I see and realize that I must be self-aware of what I do in every moment so that I can see when I am about to make this automatic act of turning the item around for me to be able to check the label – and within this in self-awareness stop myself from going there. I commit myself to no longer accept or allow this obsession/compulsion to move me but instead I bring my power back to self in where I simply take the decision to not look but to instead see what my body gets supported by – to within not looking making sure that I do not access knowledge/information but instead make a physical assessment through trying out the foods and checking my physical response. 

Day 104. My Secret Obsession

I have, for a very long time, had an obsession about food and what food contains as the ingredients, nutritional facts, calories, sugar, fat, protein, carbohydrates etc. and within this I had thus created an obsession about finding out what everything that I eat contains/consist of before I consume it – I would never eat anything without getting all the facts first. So I would start to automatically always check the ingredient-list on the back of the label, checking how much calories it consisted of and how much sugar/fat/protein/carbohydrates it contained - I wouldn’t eat products without first finding out what it contained/consisted of and within this would make an assessment if the product was “okay” for me to eat or not based on the knowledge and information I had collected through the research I had done in relation to what is apparently healthy to eat and what is unhealthy to eat.

It all started when I was really young as a form of control in where I wanted to make sure that I did not eat anything that wasn’t “healthy” for me and my body. Or, no, that’s not the truth – I didn’t give a fuck about my bodies “health” - that was just what I was saying to myself and others as a deliberate manipulation-tactic to get away with what I was doing – because deep inside me I knew that what I was doing was sick and I didn’t want anybody to take it away from me through me, admitting that it was obsessive – because within me I kind of liked the obsession, the “control” that I experienced. What it was really all about was that I wanted to lose weight and feared gaining weight – I only cared about my external appearance, not about my physical body’s internal health. But after a while it became more than just a point of control – it became a complete obsession and possession in where I was unable to eat anything without first making research on the item/product. If the item didn’t have any label or if I didn’t have access to the internet in where I could search for information about the food I would simply just not eat it. Within this I would close myself of from my social reality and this world through not being able to eat out on restaurants, at friend’s houses, in school, on family-gatherings – I started to close myself off more and more through fearing being in a situation that would include food – so I stopped participating within all the social events that I normally attended.

 For many years I would take the obsession so far that the only thing I did during my days was sitting in front of the computer on the internet making research  and comparing different facts about what specific foods contained. Within this cross-referencing different sources of information and decide what to trust and what to not. I would spend all my awakening time calculating calories, assessing what I could eat and what I was not allowed to eat according to the information/knowledge I collected. Everything that would contain over a certain amount of calories/fat/sugars/carbohydrates/proteins I would stay away from.

I created a list of what foods I could eat according to my knowledge and information in relation to what was healthy/unhealthy and would only write down the foods that I would consider as “healthy” (more like what foods contains a small amount of calories and what foods contains a large quantity of calories and within that taking away everything that I had defined as “foods with a large quantity of calories”) – the list would be my religion and I would never eat anything that was not on that list. As I walked along the list became shorter and shorter because after a while some foods that I had previously defined as “okay” would suddenly become “not okay” through me changing my perception of what “a lot of calories” meant and what “a small amount of calories” meant. Eventually the list only contained one single item; cucumber.

I still have this automatic behavior in where I always check the list of ingredients and nutritional facts before I eat something – it is still an obsession in where I experience it as if I can’t eat something if I do not first know exactly what it contains. I have created something I have called “safe foods” and “unsafe foods” and within this have divided it into two different categories within my mind in where I consciously know when I am eating something unsafe and expect that to be unpleasant – within this feeling bad when I have eaten something from the category “unsafe foods” and feeling better if I have eaten from the category “safe foods”. Within this I have just accepted it to be this way, not done much about it except pushing myself to eat stuff that I have defined as “unsafe foods” and breathed through the fears, anxieties and resistances towards it. But there is still that point of accepting myself to feel bad when I have eaten something outside of the category “safe foods” – because apparently I am supposed to feel bad if I have eaten something that is “not okay”.

I have created a complete database within me in where I can tell you pretty much everything about every single item/food-product that is out there because I spent so much time of my life reading up on what every single food contains in relation to calories/protein/carbohydrates/fats/nutritional values etc. So within this I usually don’t even have to check the label as the ingredient-list for me to be able to know exactly what a product contains – but still I do it, over and over again – just to make sure that I got the facts right. Lol. This is where I have realized that it is an obsession – because it is completely ridiculous, since I know what the product contains – why should I look?

I do realize that it is fine to care about what you eat, it is fine to support your body through making sure that you give it what it requires and within this making research on the food that you consume. But in my case it has gone too far because I am not doing it out of caring for my physical and making sure that my physical gets what it needs – for me it has become about an obsession in where I fear letting go of the idea of control that I have created around this. I see that it is an obsession when I am picking up a product, because I would never buy an item before checking the ingredient-list – that makes me totally anxious. So within this I am actually not cross-referencing with my body in where I check what my body actually get supported by but I am merely living after ideas/knowledge/information in relation to what is healthy/unhealthy and within this am actually not supporting my body – because the information/knowledge that is “out there” is not trustworthy – only the body can tell me what it needs/requires/works well on. So within this I realize that I have to change my starting-point in relation to what I choose to eat – to within this re-learn what my body actually get supported by, not allowing my knowledge and information decide what I give my body and not.

This obsession was a huge part of my anorexia and it is a point that I am still to some extent not completely clear on – it’s like I have swept up all the big chunks from the anorexia within me but there are still small pieces left that I haven’t cleaned up properly/completely. So within this I see that I have to clean it all up meticulously because otherwise the mind will still have a weak-point that it can use “against me” – this proves that I am still not completely clear on the point and that I need to make sure that I wipe myself clean from all the bits and pieces that remains from the anorexia to be able to stand completely clear with the point and not risk falling ever again. I have lead myself to think that I am in control when I check the ingredient-list on the back of the label – when all the while the obsession is what is controlling me.

More about this in my upcoming blog-posts;
Day 105. Healthy Obsession

Day 106. I'm in Control! I Don't Have a Problem..!
Day 107. I Don't Trust Food

Day 103. Being Perfect is a LIMITATION

This is a continuation to my previous post;

Day 102. Who am I Without Perfection?

and; Day 100. My Desire For Perfection

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become completely obsessed and possessed by doing everything in perfection and within this would thus stop participating within certain things in my life in where I saw that I could not reach my definition of perfection such as when I would do art/drawing/painting – and within this would thus prevent and limit myself through not doing what I truly enjoyed and seeing it as a self-expression of me – because I would instead start to see it as if I had to prove to myself that I could do it perfectly and otherwise I would not be able to value and confirm myself – so thus when I saw that I could not value myself as good enough because I did not meet my definition of perfection in art I would simply stop participating because I no longer saw it as fun/enjoying it but merely as a task that I had to do perfectly. Within this I now see, realize and understand that I am the one limiting/preventing myself from living, from expressing me, from enjoying life – because of placing a condition to what I do in where I will not do anything if I do not know that I can reach perfection. Within this I commit myself to stop this nonsense and commit myself to at least an hour a week invest my time in expressing myself through art and within this work through the points of disappointment/judgment through stopping and breathing and through this bringing myself back to the point in where I used art as a way to enjoy expressing myself and within this bringing the innocence back in relation to exploring myself as self-expression and not accept or allow the desire for perfection to be the starting-point but me, expressing myself to be the starting-point and the commitment for why I am doing art.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my purpose of life to being reaching my desire of perfection and within this would thus actually fear reaching perfection and resisting reaching perfection because then my purpose of life would be over, game over, done, finished, ended. Within this I now see, realize and understand that I have manipulated myself through living in a never-ended-cycle of wanting perfection but at the same time not allowing myself to reach it because I, somewhere deep inside, knows that if I would to reach perfection my purpose of life would be over.  I see, realize and understand that I have become addicted to the constant search for perfection and that I within this have done everything in my power to keep the addiction through making it impossible for myself to reach it – the only thing that I am doing is holding on to the idea and belief that I am not good enough. When and as I see that I am going into the perfection-game in where I am trying to reach perfection but at the same time know that I will always judge myself as less than perfection – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue having “reaching perfection through pleasing my minds definition of perfection” as my purpose of life but instead I commit myself to re-create my purpose of life to be living actual perfection in self-expression and doing what is best for all lives, including my own – to within this not accept or allow myself to continue living according to an illusionary purpose but instead live in this physical reality in where I stop the mind-participation and through doing so finding out what life in the physical is really about. Within this I realize that real perfection is that which is physical, here – so from now on I commit myself to walk towards actual real perfection through stopping the mind and walking myself back to the physical.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and take on the “perfection-character” in moments in where I do something that I believe I should perform within – and within this would thus change my whole expression and become possessed by the desire to reach perfection in where the character gets activated by one single thought – and from there I would start speaking with myself in my mind as back-chat – and then I would go into reaction and from that reaction as the desire to reach perfection act accordingly in where I experience stress and fear of not obtaining my definition of perfection. When and as I see that a thought/back-chat comes up when I am about to do something within my world in relation to “performances” – I immediately stop and breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to go any further into reaction but instead I walk myself out of the character through breathing and focusing on what is physically here – I move myself to in moments where I see that I am about to activate the perfection-character to instead direct myself to walk the point in self-expression, here, breathing – and from there make sure that I do not accept or allow myself to go into reactions or back-chats.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the desire for perfection to motivate/move/direct me in my day-to-day living/assignments/tasks – within this thinking and believing that I need the desire for perfection to be able to direct myself and discipline myself to do something – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have self-direction and self-discipline and that I do not need any desire for perfection to move me towards doing what needs to be done. When and as I see that I am going into the desire for perfection before I am about to do an assignment/task within my life – I stop and I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to think and believe that I need the desire for perfection to be able to move me but instead I see and realize that when I accept and allow the desire for perfection to direct/move/motivate me I am in fact not here moving myself but am merely allowing a desire to direct me. Within this I commit myself to instead live self-trust and self-direction in where I make sure that in my day-to-day-living and in my assignments/tasks I am actually the one directing myself and within this walking self-discipline through doing my best according to my capacity and within this develop self-trust.

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Re-Defining the Word Perfection;

-Being Here in the physical as Breath in where I direct myself in every single moment in self-awareness in my practical participation in this world with the principle of what is best for all.

-Directing my internal world as the mind to no longer accept or allow myself to act according to emotions/feelings/judgments/fears/internal conversations/desires/beliefs/ideas but instead make sure that I am here directing myself within self-awareness – making my decisions from the starting-point of what is best for all and walk it without hesitation.

-Walking my process meticulously, specifically in absolute precision – the perfection of life into being within this physical existence – remaining focused on the process and ensure that this one point is always my priority – until we all stand here in equality and oneness in this physical reality.

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