2012: My Story Of Anorexia

I just posted a video named;

Anorexia Almost Killed Me – Introduction.

I have never really shared my story of anorexia before and that is due to several different reasons – the prominent point being the fear of what other people might think about me. I fear that people will see me as a freak for sharing my story and all the detail because I know that it is not a pretty story – it’s brutal and so ugly. There are things that I did to myself that I haven’t shared with anyone – not even with my partner. I have been hiding for a very long time and now I have taken the decision to share my story with the whole world. I wouldn’t be able to share this story if it wasn’t for Desteni – before I got introduced to the Desteni-group I was on the edge of dying. My partner and I got immense support and without his unconditional support I wouldn’t have been able to make it. Today I am better than ever before and I have decided to share my story so that others can get assistance and support as well.

The decision to share this was a big step for me. Now I can’t allow this to continue in any way or form and I know that – because before I could hide behind the fact that I hadn’t yet shared the real truth of my life-experience and so I could continue hiding and continue some of my abusive patterns.

Now when it’s out there I will have to stop all the abuse because otherwise I won’t be of support for others that are going through what I have been going through.

 

So - my first reaction within this was fear of what others might think – I fear that people will wonder why the hell I am sharing my story. I fear that people I know will see me differently and that they will get disgusted by me. I fear that I will hurt someone in my family – that they will get offended by my story. I fear that my family and friends will find out the truth of how severe it actually was.

I experience judgment against myself for the words that I speak and I wish I could be better at communicating/explaining my experiences. I judge myself because I fear that others might misinterpret what I am speaking about. I only see the flaws and the mistakes that I make in my video – I only see what I missed and not what I shared. I fear that others will behave differently when they are around me after seeing my videos. I fear that others will define me according to what I have shared.

My biggest fear within this is that people will ask themselves why the hell I am sharing this – I live in a society where people do not share their inner secrets so I believe that people will think that I am crazy and stupid for sharing this. These thoughts made me experience immense nervousness and I completely forgot about breathing.

Self-Forgiveness;

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people might think about me because I am sharing my story of anorexia and because of this allowed myself to adjust according to what other people might think about me instead of being the directive principle of me – I see and realize the dishonesty in accepting and allowing myself to adjust and direct myself according to what my perception is of how other people will react to what I am sharing and I realize that it doesn’t matter what other people might think – because I am here, assisting and supporting me as well as others who might find my story supporting.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people will see me as a freak because I am sharing my story of anorexia – just because I have defined it as an ugly and horrible story - I now realize that I have merely just used this as an excuse for myself to hide behind a belief that “people won’t be able to handle my story” as a way for me not having to share it and go through the memories and past events – just because I know that it’s something that I rather not face. I realize that this is something that I have to go through to be able to let go of it and thus I won’t accept and allow myself to continue use excuses such as “people won’t be able to handle my story” as a scapegoat for me not having to face my story.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my story of anorexia as “ugly” and “brutal” and through that accepted and allowed myself to keep the story to myself – in fear that people wouldn’t see it as a “nice” story and because of this I allowed myself to hide behind my definition so that I wouldn’t have to share the truth of how I came to where I am today. I realize that this has just been a justification/excuse for me so that I wouldn’t have to share myself completely due to the fact that I fear what other people might think about me when they find out the “truth” of who I am/was. I realize that I am not defined by my previous experiences and thus I am only preventing me from letting go when I allow judgment towards my story.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear/worry that I am not showing my gratefulness and thankfulness towards the people from the Desteni-group, that supported me unconditionally, enough/effectively, but that they will think that I am arrogant and not grateful enough – instead of realizing that through me – standing up and sharing my story - I am standing as a living example for everybody to see that the desteni-tools is the solution and thus I am showing my gratefulness through giving myself what I have received from the people within the desteni-group.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the fact that I hadn’t yet shared my story of anorexia as a way for me to continue the abusive patterns and thus I now fear that because I have exposed the truth I won’t be able to continue my self-abuse. I now see, realize and understand that I only feared sharing my story because I knew that through doing so I also have to let go of my self-definitions and memories of who I am and thus it is only a creation of the mind – trying to hold on to me as who I perceived myself to be before – I am now here walking out of my self-created hell and I will not accept and allow myself to look back thinking and believing that I “want to go back” because I now realize that that is only a creation of my mind – trying to keep me enslaved.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I fear what other people might think about me if they got to know all the detail about my story of anorexia – instead of realizing that what I actually fear is that I will see myself differently and experience myself differently if I would to share my story and let go of my past and thus my definition – as well as I fear that I will experience myself differently in other peoples presence when I know that they know about my history - I now realize that I have only projected my fear onto others in were I think and believe that I fear that others will see me differently when they get to know my story of anorexia when in fact it is me, fearing that I will change through sharing my story because then I won’t be hiding anymore but instead actually face myself and let go of who I perceived myself to be for such a long period of time. I now see and realize that I have allowed myself to hide behind a statement such as “I fear what other people might think about me” so that I won’t have to see that I am actually just fearing who I will be/become when I let go of my mind and my definitions.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am supporting/assisting others when I am sharing my story – but instead I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it’s just stupid to share this – in a belief that I am not able to support others with my story and thus believing that it’s no use in me sharing – I now realize that this is actually just another excuse for me to not having to share my secrets as what I have created in my secret mind.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone in my family will get offended by me sharing my story and that they will realize how bad it was – instead of seeing and realizing that what I am sharing is my past and thus it wouldn’t really matter if someone would get offended or realize how bad it was since I am not there anymore – I am here sharing my story and how I got assistance and support to stand up from my anorexia. I realize that this is also a way for me to test my applications through facing my family and their reactions when I am sharing myself and my story – for me to apply myself here and stand up for myself with breath and awareness in each and every moment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my family and friends will define me according to my story – instead of realizing that how others define me is not something that define who I actually am and thus it doesn’t matter what other people might think about me/might define me according to – because I know that I always stand stable and I do not accept and allow myself to define myself according to other peoples definition of ME! I direct myself and I do not accept and allow myself to continue thinking and believing that what other people, such as my family and friends, think of me define who I am.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people will think that I am disgusting for sharing my story and thus I have accepted and allowed myself to go into my mind thinking and believing that what others might think about me is relevant. I realize that whether other people might think that I am disgusting or not don’t matter and I now see that this is just an excuse for me to not share my story.

• I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reactions of fear, thoughts and beliefs that came up in relation to me sharing my story was only my mind trying to find justifications/reasons for me to not share myself as what I have gone through – as a way to not having to let go and change. I now realize that this is just different defense-mechanisms that my mind is trying to use to be able to hold onto my definitions of who I am – and thus I realize that whatever I experienced in regards to sharing my story was actually just my mind trying to stop me from letting go. I realize that I am going against everything that I believed myself to be as well as my life-design and thus my mind will try to stop me – but I will not accept and allow myself to fall or allow myself to get manipulated – I direct myself here in each and every breath.

- When and as I see thoughts and reactions coming up in regards to me sharing my story of Anorexia – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to get directed or manipulated by my experience of my mind – but instead I realize that this is just a defense-mechanism from my mind that don’t want me to let go of my past and my self-definitions and through this I instead breathe and take my power back to me.

- When and as I see nervousness coming up in relation to what other people might think about me – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to worry about what other people might think about me – Instead I realize that what other people might think about me does not define who I am and thus I do not accept or allow myself to continue pondering on what other people might think about what I am sharing.

- When and as I see fear that other people might treat me differently coming up – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to get influenced by my fear that people will treat me differently after finding out about my story to direct or influence me – Instead I realize that the only thing I am actually fearing is that I will be experiencing myself differently in my mind when I let go of my past and my definitions and thus I do not accept or allow myself to project my fear of letting go onto other people in a belief that I am fearing that other will treat me differently – I remain stable however others might treat me.  

- When and as I see judgment coming up towards myself and what I am sharing – I stop, I breathe – I do not accept or allow myself to continue judging myself and what I am sharing and thus I do not accept or allow myself to adjust myself according to my judgment – but instead I realize that judgment is just a creation of my mind that is trying to find ways to hold me back so that I won’t let go and share myself unconditionally. I do not accept or allow myself to comply to the judgment but instead I realize that I can stop it through taking myself back to here with and through my breath.